“... I wouldn’t dare say that I am as wonderful as these other men who tell you how good they are! Their trouble is that they are only comparing themselves with each other and measuring themselves against their own little ideas. What stupidity!”
Have you ever heard the quote "Comparison is the thief of joy"? I have, and it's been 100% true in my life. But I think that phrase speaks more to comparison's shadowy, toxic side than its counterpoint. Sure there is an element of comparison that is great for evaluation and metrics, but that's not what most people struggle with. It's an unhealthy comparison - the trap that leaves you bound to others' opinions, accomplishments, and standards while losing who you authentically are. So for this post, let's talk about...unhealthy comparisons.
"Quit scraping and fawning over mere humans, so full of themselves, so full of hot air! Can't you see there's nothing to them?" - Isaiah 2:22 (The Message)
The Comparison Pendulum
Unhealthy comparison can lead to an elevated sense of pride or an extremely deflated ego. It's like a pendulum swung way too hard to the right or left that needs to find the center. If it's in the deflated-ego sector, you feel worthless and unqualified and see zero value in yourself compared to others. But If the pendulum is too far in the pride sector, it intoxicates you into thinking of yourself more highly than you ought. You become inflated, and the only way to maintain that persona is to live a siloed life away from all truthful input. Either far side of the comparison pendulum leaves you mentally and physically exhausted, ultimately leading to failure, so why do people often tend to swing into the pendulum corners of unhealthy comparison? And why is it that people get stuck there?
Maybe it has something to do with the uniformity of success in this 'copy and paste' era. I've seen these red flags most common in worship leaders when they start sounding, leading, and even phrasing like their latest influence. Thanks to social media, it's easy to be driven by the soundbite, the catchy lyric, or even the pithy saying of another worship leader rather than the time and revelation spent in scripture and God's presence. When comparing ourselves to others, we can find inspiration, but it can quickly turn into mirroring in a heartbeat. You know what I'm talking about - someone charismatic skillfully says something profound, and we want to duplicate that in our environment. I know this because I've fallen into this cycle before. That's why I believe unhealthy comparisons can lead to a mutated form of discipleship. We no longer want to be transformed by renewing our mind to scripture, nor do we want to imitate the faith of saints before us, but we would instead be conformed to the pattern of this world and parrot those that are successful. It's a subtle form of spiritual identity theft (not living our authentic spirituality), and in the panicked words of Dwight K. Schrute:
Or perhaps others fall into unhealthy comparison because, in an earnest attempt to evaluate themselves with others in the same field, they progressively (or regressively?) compare their behind-the-scenes of life with other people's highlight reels. This is another rabbit hole of toxic comparison I've been in, and it took some divine intervention to get me out. But, before I go into my remedy against unhealthy comparison, I think it's essential to bring psychology and Bible into the conversation.
Anything you can do, I can do better.
In psychology, there is a theory called social comparison, which has to do with comparing "... one's own life with the lives of other people as they are publicly represented." (1). This theory, created by social psychologist Leon Festinger, is an outcome of human nature for bettering self-perception. The unfortunate part about social comparison is that it usually errs into destructive tendencies such as "...anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-esteem" (2) when people believe that the noticeable lives of others are better than their own. It seems ingrained in us to feel the worst about ourselves compared to someone else's best-curated information.
In 2014, the National Library of Medicine published an article that shared its findings about social comparison influencing the brain's reward system. It was said, "By focusing on a subset of information rather than engaging in an exhaustive search of one's knowledge base, social comparisons enable humans to save scarce cognitive resources 16. This cognitive benefit also shows at the brain level: during a judgment task, comparative information processing was associated with smaller changes in alpha-band activity, suggesting reduced mental effort 17." (3) Now, to me, this is saying that humans choose the path of least effort (social comparisons) when it comes to the critical thinking/learning it takes to know and compare themselves to another individual, all to preserve the brain from processing too much on the subject. And because the brain feels a reward for this path of least effort, it chooses to continue this method. It feels like the smart thing to do, but it's a selfish way to make a judgment call, ultimately dehumanizing the judged individual to only a set of abilities. In its worse form, it becomes another way of saying, 'I only care about what you can do, and not who you fully are or what your story is, so I can compare myself to you.'
Yuck!
This, my friends, does not sound like Apostle Paul's definition of the love of God (1 Corinthians 13:4-6).
Oldest trick in the book (literally!)
With that said, let's go to the Bible and see unhealthy comparison as the oldest trick in THE BOOK. In case you missed the subtext, let me spell it out more plainly: I see unhealthy comparison as a primary reason for Adam and Eve's fall, the cause of all evil found in the world.
“Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”
”But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.”
The Edenic temptation hinged on the lie that if Eve were to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, she would be like God. That moment was the seed of unhealthy comparison planted in Eve's mind - why does the Creator get to hold this divine knowledge? and is it possible to grasp it? Unfortunately, Adam and Eve had lost sight that they already bore the imago Dei (image of God), so happiness and true identity were lost when disobedience came into the picture. Their eyes were opened, but instead of being like God, they became less human. And this is the curse of unhealthy comparisons. The irony is that we think we're becoming someone else, someone greater when we compare, but all that ends up happening is we become a false, lesser version of ourselves.
But thanks be to God, who always causes us to triumph in Christ Jesus.
Where Adam and Eve failed in the garden of Eden, Christ overcame in another garden - the Mount of Olives. After his last earthly supper with the disciples, Jesus advances toward the Mount of Olives to pray. He prays, "Father, if You are willing, take this cup away from Me-nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done." (Luke 22:42). We don't know how long the pause was between the petition and the surrender. It could have been seconds that felt like an eternity. But what we do know is that at the end of this prayer, Jesus of Nazareth fully embraced His identity as the suffering servant (Isaiah 53) and pleased His Abba thoroughly by being obedient to the cross (Philippians 2:8). Instead of being bitter about the mission or prideful about His position, He accepted His lot and did not compare Himself to another. He ended His prayer with surrender and contentment, knowing full well what was to take place (John 12:32,33), even being strengthened in the soul (ἐνισχύω in greek) by an angel from heaven (Luke 22:43).
My Remedy against Unhealthy Comparison
And this brings me to my final point - how do we get out of unhealthy comparison? I think we can take some cues from how Jesus overcame temptation in Luke 22. These cues have been saving graces in my life, pulling me out of the trap of unhealthy comparison.
#1 - Be Secure in your Identity in Christ.
#2 - Be Content In All Things.
I see both spiritual sonship and my state of contentment as a guiding compass navigating me away from the storms of unhealthy comparison. Back when I was bound by it, I couldn't help but lose myself in seeing whether I matched up to the latest and greatest out there. But now that I know my standing with God in Christ, I don't need to prove myself to others or compare myself. I don't need to match up to anyone else's expectations except to make sure I match up with the expectations found in God's Word. And not only that, but I'm content with the lot the Lord has given me. In fact, I actually champion and support others who far surpass my abilities as I see the Lord's calling on their life. We were never meant to compete with one another in the body of Christ, only complete one another.
I practiced both saving graces through contemplative and charismatic expressions on a granular level. What I mean is the more contemplative disciplines I practice (i.e., silence and solitude, journaling, stillness, and formative prayer), the more godly contentment I display. Also, on the other foot, the more charismatic expressions I practice (speaking in tongues, praise and worship, and being led by the Spirit in prayer), the more secure I become in my Christ-like identity. I'm not dogmatic about making sure both contemplative and charismatic are divided; it typically ends this way. But the key is being secure in who God has called me to be and staying content with that calling.
So, above recognizing the trap of unhealthy comparison and even understanding the damage that this does psychologically to our minds, my prayer for you today would be that you break free from an unhealthy comparison in the name of Jesus. You owe it to yourself, your community, and your heavenly Father.